There's no looking back

This is going to be really direct, so if you're not ready for some "brain taking over control the fingers" post, best suggest you not read on.


Its crazy mornings like these the emotions are just a little overwhelming. I've got to admit that there's been a lot of thinking for the pass few weeks, compared to the happy go lucky me. Times like these, you start missing being a child, being young where you have nothing to worry about except finishing the vegetables on your plate. A whole lot different now when we reach 21 right? Back then, you've got your parents nagging about homework, cleaning your room, study study study. Maybe not all of you, but back then during primary and secondary days, my mum would sit beside me to study with me (hated it so much then). Now, its more like I'm on my own, and I guess in a way I do miss my mum sitting down with me and actually putting things on track cause that way, there isn't much to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I do not enjoy the freedom that I have right now, I do (oh trust me I do). So the famous line comes in here, "with great powers, comes great responsibilities". Holding onto the responsibilities this way can get quite frustrating at times. I can't have everything can I? Oh well.


Ever had that feeling where you put so much effort in one thing and at the end of it all, you've got to tear it apart of the better good? That comes to mind first when I start thinking back about the pass 3 years. It pinches to know that I've sucked out so much effort from other things that I do, to put it all into something that I know I wasn't suppose to. What am I talking about? I feel that I've put too much in relationship, so much so that I've neglected many other things. I've always knew that I've been neglecting but I guess the feeling only kicked in recently. 


How did I start feeling this way? Simple, work. Besides the whole health thing and the killing soul sucking, mind screwing hell of a semester, I simply feel different, like the purpose of it all has just changed. I'm only human, so don't judge me for being selfish, or think that it was stupid of me to hold myself up for this satisfaction. My satisfaction during work, my motivation and drive was focused so much on Joey. My satisfaction was to see him take those steps forward from time to time. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way about him (and I can honestly and proudly say that I doubt anyone has). Being so darn proud of his achievements that it never fails to bring me to tears, so much so I think I feel more proud of him than he is for himself. I've watched him take his first step to where he is today. And ever once walked away, thick or thin, sunshine or rain, I was still there to take every step with him, every leap with the risk of falling. That was my satisfaction, to see him improve, to eye witness his achievements. My motivation and drive is somehow interlinked to that as well. And on a more honest note, I know for a fact that if he fights through it all and get on top, he would be travelling a lot, and I for one, loves to travel and go on holidays! haha.


(Satisfaction during camps are a whole lot different alright, and I don't feel the need to explain that here)


Now that everything is different, some things just have to change. I'm not regretting the things I did for him, because I admit that it was a good relationship, and I was happy, at one point, there was nothing I wanted more. Now, there are a few adjustments that has to be mend now, and accommodating to it is stressing me out a little. 


But worry not, its me we're talking about, I'll pull through this and give myself a pat on my shoulders when I get rich and successful. Woots!


I guess now its a whole new motivation, and whole new drive and a whole new level of satisfaction. And since there's no time machine to mend my stupidity, I'll just have to make it up. I owe this to myself. Internal motivation works the best, so watch me get on this fast bullet train and I'll meet the rest of you at the end of the line. This time, its gonna be right, its gonna be for the better me.


Random note : I was feeling absolutely shitty at the beginning of this post, but hey, haha, I managed to pull myself together within one blog post. Not bad eh. I amaze myself. *self praise*


Alright, I'm getting snuggled up in bed after this. Roll around for a while more before I head out.

I'm hungry. *grumbles*